Under Construction!
12 years ago
Friday, August 29, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
back to school, back to school, to prove to my dad i'm not a fool
ryan ruined my eating life when he introduced me to pho this summer. if you havent had it, i suggest you don't try it, because otherwise its all youre ever going to want to eat. i've eaten it the past 3 days now, and i'm gonna have it again this weekend with teh boo. god damn vietnamese beef noodle soup, you pwn my lyfe.today was pretty intense, but not too bad. have class from 9am-4:15pm every tuesday/thursday with NO breaks, which kinda sucks, but it went by faster than i had expected. maybe it was just because it was the first day, who knows. all i know is all my professors are completely insane and i kinda like it.
anyways, i got done reading for 2 of my 4 classes tonight which feels pretty good. got all day at work tomorrow and tomorrow night to finish up which is pretty sweet. i'm gonna print out a few things then go to bed...well watch nip tuck then go to bed.
goodnight internet
Friday, August 22, 2008
i lv y s mch tht t hrts my hd, spngbb sqrpnts
found on craigslist:
I wrote this a few weeks ago, and I wasn’t sure what to do with it, or perhaps what to make of myself. This looks like the place. Here you go Craigslisters, I present my arguments, in bullet form, why Spongebob Square pants is the perfect girl.
1. He’s low maintenance. No matter what happens to him, he never needs validation from anyone, for anything. He never asks Patrick to tell him who he is, never uses his friction with Squidward to bolster his own ego. All his energy is focused outward, albeit usually with mixed (and hilarious) results. He never complains about those results either, just trudges ahead with blind, infectious optimism.
2. He’s a good cook. In fact, he makes unquestionably the best burger in Bikini Bottom. People come from everywhere to the Crab Shack for one of his Crabby Patties. How rare is a girl who can cook, and enjoys it?
3. He lives in a pineapple. Imagine having crazy sex in a giant pineapple. All that gooey, sweet, sugary awesomeness providing both full body lubrication and a certain fun kinkiness. Sex inside almost anything else wouldn’t be anywhere as much fun. An orange would sting. A tomato would stain. While we’re on the subject, do you want variety in your lovin? He’s got HUNDREDS of holes, and he’s not shy about himself or hung up in any way. He also plays dress up. Weekly. And usually twice on Saturday mornings.
4. He’s comfortable with his job. Mr. Crab pays him shit and he cares, never bitches. Never comes home and says to his pet snail “if that dude Squidward don’t get off my ass, I’m gonna kill him!” The pineapple is a harmonious place because Spongebob checks that shit at the door.
5. He manages his emotions. We’ve all seen Spongebob flip out. We’ve all seen chicks flip out. The difference is that Spongebob Squarepants STAYS FOCUSED. He may explode. His eyes may shrivel up like raisins. He might pull off his own legs and arms and beat himself with them in total panic and frustration. He never loses sight of what he’s flipping out ABOUT, though. Every girl I’ve ever met starts out being mad about the dish I just broke, or the amount of beer I may have drunk at her family reunion (we all need help through the hard times, my Lord, my Lord) but 15 minutes later it’s why haven’t we bought a house yet, why aren’t I home more, why aren’t I home less, why aren’t I more communicative, and what about those boobs I was staring at back in May of 2002. Do ya feel me, boys?
6. He’s devoted. Patrick is an idiot, but he finds a way to relate and have fun. Mr. Crabs is a jerk, but he gets past it and has a healthy work ethic. He’s maintained a healthy platonic relationship with a displaced female squirrel. Even Squidward, despite all his efforts to the contrary, has a neighbor he can count on any time day or night. (Aside: Squidward is a douche bag for not recognizing this)
7. He knows how to have a good time. Boy does he ever. He likes eating contests, farts, TV, singing, hiking, playing with his body, sports (did you see the snail race? better than Hoosiers), and just generally acting stupid and laughing about it. I’m telling you, he’s got to be totally awesome to hang out with.
8. He’s comfortable with his body. So he’s not the ideal shape. He’s a square. But he never complains. You’ll never hear the phrase “height-weight proportional” uttered from those yellow lips (anyway his height-weight proportion is geometrically perfect, a fact which I am sure can be proven mathematically). He don’t give a shit. He just buys the right clothes (square) and looks great and that’s the end of it. No endless questioning about why the universe shaped him the way he is. No internal battles. Just a simple square man with a healthy simple outlook.
9. He’s a virgin (I’d bet). You say experience means everything? I say bullshit. Comfort and communication trump experience every time. Working at your sex life is only possible in a situation dominated by these two traits and amplified by a sense of adventure. Spongebob has always demonstrated these characteristics. Now, what do you want? A willing accomplice or the trick somebody else taught?
10. He doesn’t drink, smoke or do drugs. Actually, I do enjoy the occasional cocktail or cigarette, and as you may have guessed, I have been known to puff it down a little and watch shows like, say, Spongebob Squarepants (WTF, what did you do this morning that was so important, Mr. Smartypants?), but the thing about our man Bob is that theses things don’t rule his life, and couldn’t you just imagine that first date at a bar? Somehow the idea of kicking two shots of Makers Mark back with Spongebob Squarepants is totally mesmerizing. You think he’d sit there and bitch about his exes? No way. He’s much more a load up the jukebox and kick up his heels on the bar kind of guy. He’ll take his lumps for it (case in point, the Motorhead bar in the movie, where the fascist biker dudes kick his ass but he comes out grinning) but I bet the night would be hilarious. Imagine him pulling in a big drag and blowing it out all his orifices. Imagine him talking to that drunken barfly you always see and making that old bitch laugh. You’d get to do all this shit with him for the first time.
11. He demonstrates good parenting skills. Did you see the episode where Spongebob and Patrick find a lost baby scallop and decide to raise it as their own? No?!? Well, allow me to elucidate. Patrick takes on the male role and he sucks at it. He sneaks off all day and night to watch TV at home while Spongebob, as the mother figure (complete with apron and heels), holds the family together. He does all the cooking, cleaning and baby-raising, all the while carrying an admittedly strained smile on his face. Not to say I’m looking for a wife to do it all and let me watch TV (um, hmm), it’s just that he demonstrates such strength and good humor. The episode ends with a happy, well-adjusted scallop flying off (?) into the sea-sky and a presumably happy well-adjusted scallop life. It’s not that Spongebob might make a good mom. Spongebob is a good mom.
I’m sure you all are going to think I am a pedophile (why? Because I happen to be a little bit in love with a 6 year old boy cartoon character?) I’m sure you’ll all write me and tell me what a misogynistic jerk I am (just substitute the words “girl” for “boy” and “boy” for “girl” throughout and I’m sure my argument applies cross-genderally. There. Feel better, huge bull dykes with nothing better to do?) I’m sure I’ve sabotaged my e-mail account, but I wanted to do it. I’m in love, and people in love do and say stupid shit.
I wrote this a few weeks ago, and I wasn’t sure what to do with it, or perhaps what to make of myself. This looks like the place. Here you go Craigslisters, I present my arguments, in bullet form, why Spongebob Square pants is the perfect girl.
1. He’s low maintenance. No matter what happens to him, he never needs validation from anyone, for anything. He never asks Patrick to tell him who he is, never uses his friction with Squidward to bolster his own ego. All his energy is focused outward, albeit usually with mixed (and hilarious) results. He never complains about those results either, just trudges ahead with blind, infectious optimism.
2. He’s a good cook. In fact, he makes unquestionably the best burger in Bikini Bottom. People come from everywhere to the Crab Shack for one of his Crabby Patties. How rare is a girl who can cook, and enjoys it?
3. He lives in a pineapple. Imagine having crazy sex in a giant pineapple. All that gooey, sweet, sugary awesomeness providing both full body lubrication and a certain fun kinkiness. Sex inside almost anything else wouldn’t be anywhere as much fun. An orange would sting. A tomato would stain. While we’re on the subject, do you want variety in your lovin? He’s got HUNDREDS of holes, and he’s not shy about himself or hung up in any way. He also plays dress up. Weekly. And usually twice on Saturday mornings.
4. He’s comfortable with his job. Mr. Crab pays him shit and he cares, never bitches. Never comes home and says to his pet snail “if that dude Squidward don’t get off my ass, I’m gonna kill him!” The pineapple is a harmonious place because Spongebob checks that shit at the door.
5. He manages his emotions. We’ve all seen Spongebob flip out. We’ve all seen chicks flip out. The difference is that Spongebob Squarepants STAYS FOCUSED. He may explode. His eyes may shrivel up like raisins. He might pull off his own legs and arms and beat himself with them in total panic and frustration. He never loses sight of what he’s flipping out ABOUT, though. Every girl I’ve ever met starts out being mad about the dish I just broke, or the amount of beer I may have drunk at her family reunion (we all need help through the hard times, my Lord, my Lord) but 15 minutes later it’s why haven’t we bought a house yet, why aren’t I home more, why aren’t I home less, why aren’t I more communicative, and what about those boobs I was staring at back in May of 2002. Do ya feel me, boys?
6. He’s devoted. Patrick is an idiot, but he finds a way to relate and have fun. Mr. Crabs is a jerk, but he gets past it and has a healthy work ethic. He’s maintained a healthy platonic relationship with a displaced female squirrel. Even Squidward, despite all his efforts to the contrary, has a neighbor he can count on any time day or night. (Aside: Squidward is a douche bag for not recognizing this)
7. He knows how to have a good time. Boy does he ever. He likes eating contests, farts, TV, singing, hiking, playing with his body, sports (did you see the snail race? better than Hoosiers), and just generally acting stupid and laughing about it. I’m telling you, he’s got to be totally awesome to hang out with.
8. He’s comfortable with his body. So he’s not the ideal shape. He’s a square. But he never complains. You’ll never hear the phrase “height-weight proportional” uttered from those yellow lips (anyway his height-weight proportion is geometrically perfect, a fact which I am sure can be proven mathematically). He don’t give a shit. He just buys the right clothes (square) and looks great and that’s the end of it. No endless questioning about why the universe shaped him the way he is. No internal battles. Just a simple square man with a healthy simple outlook.
9. He’s a virgin (I’d bet). You say experience means everything? I say bullshit. Comfort and communication trump experience every time. Working at your sex life is only possible in a situation dominated by these two traits and amplified by a sense of adventure. Spongebob has always demonstrated these characteristics. Now, what do you want? A willing accomplice or the trick somebody else taught?
10. He doesn’t drink, smoke or do drugs. Actually, I do enjoy the occasional cocktail or cigarette, and as you may have guessed, I have been known to puff it down a little and watch shows like, say, Spongebob Squarepants (WTF, what did you do this morning that was so important, Mr. Smartypants?), but the thing about our man Bob is that theses things don’t rule his life, and couldn’t you just imagine that first date at a bar? Somehow the idea of kicking two shots of Makers Mark back with Spongebob Squarepants is totally mesmerizing. You think he’d sit there and bitch about his exes? No way. He’s much more a load up the jukebox and kick up his heels on the bar kind of guy. He’ll take his lumps for it (case in point, the Motorhead bar in the movie, where the fascist biker dudes kick his ass but he comes out grinning) but I bet the night would be hilarious. Imagine him pulling in a big drag and blowing it out all his orifices. Imagine him talking to that drunken barfly you always see and making that old bitch laugh. You’d get to do all this shit with him for the first time.
11. He demonstrates good parenting skills. Did you see the episode where Spongebob and Patrick find a lost baby scallop and decide to raise it as their own? No?!? Well, allow me to elucidate. Patrick takes on the male role and he sucks at it. He sneaks off all day and night to watch TV at home while Spongebob, as the mother figure (complete with apron and heels), holds the family together. He does all the cooking, cleaning and baby-raising, all the while carrying an admittedly strained smile on his face. Not to say I’m looking for a wife to do it all and let me watch TV (um, hmm), it’s just that he demonstrates such strength and good humor. The episode ends with a happy, well-adjusted scallop flying off (?) into the sea-sky and a presumably happy well-adjusted scallop life. It’s not that Spongebob might make a good mom. Spongebob is a good mom.
I’m sure you all are going to think I am a pedophile (why? Because I happen to be a little bit in love with a 6 year old boy cartoon character?) I’m sure you’ll all write me and tell me what a misogynistic jerk I am (just substitute the words “girl” for “boy” and “boy” for “girl” throughout and I’m sure my argument applies cross-genderally. There. Feel better, huge bull dykes with nothing better to do?) I’m sure I’ve sabotaged my e-mail account, but I wanted to do it. I’m in love, and people in love do and say stupid shit.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
summer 09 could be your time to shine
i don't like powder pink
but it's so so better than dirty white
and therefore it is a good color
and i am happy to see it
ok, sure, i guess that one day
i will walk into a room dressed in taupe or merrigold
and think
whyyyy on earth did i pull THAT card
oh, i remember
it was better than the dirt
and it is
and i open my eyes some mornings and see past it
because everything else is so cemetrical
and tidy
and i thank tidy
for making powder pink
less strange
and besides
it took so long to get here
to this powder pink
and i was so tired from the walking
up and down and up and down the quad
that i just said,
hey, civic, take me home and let's get this over with
but i'll have to spend another 874 minutes wiping off touches
from messy shadowy things
who probably put cigarettes in empty bottles on the floor
and leaned back in their kitchen chairs
and chewed with their mouths open
and didn't buy new sponges, ever
(except that loofa she left me,
complete with mold and lice, i think).
and it will be 4 am
and i will be in a lump
on a bathroom floor
with a razor blade
scraping moldy things from around a shower stall
because some creature was too indie and important
to use a bath mat
its not that i want to spend all my summer nights
in this cold, polluted basement
i find that running with the ms-13 crowd
and 17 year old g's (before they become gents)
doesnt sit well with my stomach
which is the whole point
but it's so so better than dirty white
and therefore it is a good color
and i am happy to see it
ok, sure, i guess that one day
i will walk into a room dressed in taupe or merrigold
and think
whyyyy on earth did i pull THAT card
oh, i remember
it was better than the dirt
and it is
and i open my eyes some mornings and see past it
because everything else is so cemetrical
and tidy
and i thank tidy
for making powder pink
less strange
and besides
it took so long to get here
to this powder pink
and i was so tired from the walking
up and down and up and down the quad
that i just said,
hey, civic, take me home and let's get this over with
but i'll have to spend another 874 minutes wiping off touches
from messy shadowy things
who probably put cigarettes in empty bottles on the floor
and leaned back in their kitchen chairs
and chewed with their mouths open
and didn't buy new sponges, ever
(except that loofa she left me,
complete with mold and lice, i think).
and it will be 4 am
and i will be in a lump
on a bathroom floor
with a razor blade
scraping moldy things from around a shower stall
because some creature was too indie and important
to use a bath mat
its not that i want to spend all my summer nights
in this cold, polluted basement
i find that running with the ms-13 crowd
and 17 year old g's (before they become gents)
doesnt sit well with my stomach
which is the whole point
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
