best thanksgiving food ever

so my almost-favorite holiday is just around the corner...THANKSGIVING! this holiday is good for many reasons, and i think all but one reason (spending time with family, blah blah) is food related! so, as an american AND an avid eater of holiday foods, i would like to present to you the top 10 reasons thanksgiving rules (in the form of the best t-giving foods there is):

10) PUMPKIN PIE

this is a very serious dessert for thanksgiving. i'm not gonna lie, i used to not like pumpkin pie. in fact, i wouldnt touch anything ending in "pie" unless it had "apple" in front of it! but just a few years ago, maybe 2 or 3 at most, i discovered why so many people blow their load over this shit. IT TASTES LIKE A SLICE OF FLUFFY HEAVEN INSIDE A FLAKY CRUST! oh my god and you BETTER eat that shit with vanilla ice cream or else i'll hunt you down and punch your mother.

9) DINNER ROLLS

the perfect addition to even the pickiest of eaters! "oh little jimmy, you don't want some of grandma's casserole? well have a roll!" NO ONE CAN SAY NO! and the butterier (apparently thats a word) the better! i especially like the potato-bready kind that makes you fat as shit but you dont even care because being fat would be better than life without these rolls.

8) GRAVY

a thanksgiving without gravy is just "giving." actually, its not even giving if theres no gravy! there would be NOTHING to be thankful for...NOTHING! the weird thing about this delicious liquidy goodness is that you can't really get away with eating it except between thanksgiving and christmas. any other time just seems....wrong. you DEFINITELY can't eat it in the summer, i dont care who you are! if you do, i will assume you are a terrorist and report you immediately.

7) CRANBERRY SAUCE

look, i'm not even going to pretend to like this stuff...i LOVE THIS STUFF! again, this is one of those scary-looking foods i never wanted to touch as a kid. it looks like someones guts on a piece of fine china! GROSS! and i definitely immediately hated anything that had "berry" at the end of it unless it was artificially flavored or gum. but i had this for the first time a few years ago (probably the same thanksgiving i had pumpkin pie) and ever since i obsess with anything berry. i buy berry lotions, berry lipbalm, berry colored towels. LOOK WHAT ITS DONE TO ME!


6) SWEET POTATOS

just look at that picture...you KNOW that shit has brown sugar, hazelnut, and sugar all mixed up in it! sweet potatoes would almost be better than regular mashed potatoes if they were a) saltier and b) butterier...but then i wouldnt like them anymore cuz they'd be exactly like mashed potatoes! so sweet potatoes, stay the way you are!!

5) GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE

um...i don't even know how to describe my love for green bean casserole. i've almost never loved a man as much. the mixture of green beans (awesome), cheesey-sauce (awesome), and crunchy wonton things (amazing!!) probably is enough to make the general population pee themselves. this is one of the dishes i keep in mind when i'm thinking about how i need to lose so much weight before thanksgiving...cuz i probably have at least 8 servings of this janx! thank you, GBC!

4) CORN ON THE COB

corn on the cob was probably the easiest shit EVER to make back when the pilgrims and indians still liked each other. this is probably why they didnt immediately kill one another! how can you be mad when you're eating buttery-ass corn on the cob!? except when i was in 7th grade and had braces and that shit got ALL UP in my wires...shit that made me so mad!! i could almost kill...an entire colony!!!! the indians shoulda took charge when they had the chance.

3) TURKEY

you must be freaking out right now, wondering why turkey is only #3 on my list. well why dont you shut up already so i can show you...

AND NUMBER TWO IS..

STUFFING!!!
this is serious. THIS IS SERIOUS!! stuffing is probably one of the best dishes ever created by jesus himself. i know this because nothing THAT good could come from plain old human mortals. my method of eating stuffing is taking a bite of stuffing with EVERY other food i eat on thanksgiving. and then maybe roll that shit in some gravy!! omg.

AND THE NUMBER ONE BEST EVER THANKSGIVING FOOD IS....


BROCOLLI CHEDDAR CASSEROLE!!!
brocolli cheddar casserole is so good i might have to kill myself. i feel like if anyone ever wanted to get me to do ANYTHING (and i mean anything) all they have to do is promise some brocolli cheddar casserole in return and i am 99% guarenteed* to be their slave for a week +.

well folks, i hope you enjoyed my top 10 list of holiday food. now if you will excuse me, i need to go stretch my entire wardrobe to accomodate the FAT that will be moving in the weeks following thanksgiving.



*i'm a liar.

**EDIT**
i noticed something completely uncalled for. i didn't add mashed potatoes!!! i totally meant to put them where corn on the cob is, and now i dont feel like going back and putting them there. i mean corn is good and all, but MASHED POTATOES!!? if you havent noticed my unhealthy love for carbs yet, you would understand if you gave me a gallon of garlic mashed potatoes.